Francis Bacon
So one thing might dominate my blog from time to time. I'm not particularly good at relationships. Or they aren't good at me.
I said in the last post. "I may never have a family, but I have come to terms with that possibility." I worked out yesterday that's half true. I've come to terms with possibly never having a family, but I haven't given up trying. I'm not going to talk about roadblocks to that here and now, just suffice it to say there are some, and I'm working to make sure they aren't relationship ending, because that's a big fear.
I've found a guy I love, and who loves me, and we fight from time to time, and make up, and we have the ebbs and flows of a normal relationship. Sounds ok right? It's the best relationship I've been in for over 10 years, but I'm still a bit weighed down by history.
History I can talk about, especially when it is ancient history. I started dating at 15, had high school relationships, first time was a boy a bit older, and we went out for a few months, and then college came. I know it is a cliche, but college was short term relationships and a decent amount of casual sex. I'm not proud of it and not ashamed either. I was growing into myself and it was a fun time. That isn't really the story here.
On my first day at college, I met a guy. I was moving in, with the help of my parents, and we exchanged words on the stairs, both obviously brand new. He was kinda cute, but not really my type. But we were going to be neighbours, or near enough, for at least a year, and it was one of those connections. When you are in a completely unfamiliar scary place, knowing no-one, not knowing how you will make friends, if you will fit in, then those brief connections take on extra significance. You find yourself comforted by recognizing a familiar face at the first photograph, and then again at the queue for some admin forms or other. And by the end of the first week, we were friends. I knew he liked me, he knew I didn't feel the same for him, and it worked out. He had a circle of good friends, I had a circle, we had a few in common, and we stayed friends with each other. His name was Simon, and he was a med student.
I had a couple of boyfriends in that first year, and Simon was seeing someone for a while. Second year, the housing system is a lotto, and I lost big time. I ended up in the 5th worst room available, and we were in different buildings. We lost touch a bit, and he missed quite a bit of the year with glandular fever (mono). Then the 3rd year came, and the lotto reverses, and I ended up in the 5th best room, in a prime location. Funny sometimes when your location is the biggest driver of your popularity. I'm half serious, I still had the same friends, it was just the party ended up in my room more often than not. Anyway, the point is, that me and Simon were back to being neighbours again. I had a semi-serious relationship with another guy, Andrew, at the time, which had lasted the holidays between 2nd and 3rd year, miraculously. We were on and off through the 3rd year, and I dated some other guys too. When I look back I wonder how I ever managed to blend the pace of college work, the frenetic social life, and the lovely dalliances. But then I count the hours sleep, and look at how little study I actually did, and I figure it out.
Anyway, I got back a lot closer with Simon, he could make great cups of tea, which are crucial in a friend, and he needed access my computer for a psych project, so it was a mutually beneficial friendship. It grew big time when the first semester finished, as I had to stay on a couple of weeks to meet residency requirements. I'd taken 2 weeks out to travel to America, to visit an ex that had been on a 1 year abroad program during my first year. He'd held out the invitation for me to visit him at UVA, and I had never been to the US, so I jumped on it. So I had to make up time, and Simon had stayed on at the end of term because his parents were abroad, so it was easier to be somewhere that where he could eat cheap meals without having to make them...
I'd never had my best friend be a guy before that. I'd had good male friends, but never someone I was that close to. We spent every day together for 2 weeks, and talked about everything. Simon was half french, and bilingual, and we were very similar personalities. It was obvious he still liked me, but I'd just found a really really great friend, and I was careful not to lead him on in any way.
So, then the third year was close ending, way too soon for my liking, and I was stuck for what to do next. Up until then I'd seriously thought about entering academia, doing my PhD, and becoming a professor. I didn't enjoy my 3rd year courses nearly as much, and I'd made the decision in my head to do something else. I had 2 serious options, a place in a computer course, and a place in a teacher training course - both would last a year. I wasn't thinking seriously about entering the workforce just yet. I'd volunteered teaching all through high school, and I always dreamed of being a teacher, I just didn't know if I could do it. But in one of those, you'll regret it if you don't try it decisions, I went for the teacher training. And that's when the coincidences started happening.
I had no idea where I would live. Our college housed us for 3 years, but after that you were on your own. It was a small college in the university, so we didn't have many others staying on for a 4th year. Co-incidence number 1, the teaching hospital and the new college I would be doing teacher training in were in walking distance of each other in the same part of the city. Of course, Simon was a med student, which was a 5 year program, so he would be around another 2 years, even if also not housed. So we found ourselves in a similar situation, and agreed to share a house, along with another girl he knew from his med program.
So we had all this arranged, and then it was summer break, and we went back home for a bit. I was seeing Andrew again at this point, and he came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks, and I visited him, but we were on shaky ground at the start of the year, just not quite sure of how the next year would play out. Andrew was also sticking around, being an engineering student, his was a 4 year program, but he was across the other side of the city, so it didn't make sense for us to share a place. So I arrived at the house, at the start of my teacher training year, and Simon was already there. I knew he would be, his course started a few days before mine. But I opened the door, and he was walking down the stairs, and something happened. We'd known each other for 3 years, almost to the day, but only in that moment, did I look at him and think that I could really fall for this guy. He'd been working out big time over the summer, and lost a lot of weight, and looked very good. But he also had this confidence that went with it - not an arrogence, just more of a self-belief, and he carried himself very well. Nothing happened. Not then. I was wrestling with my feelings though, my best friend, and I was falling for him. And I'd be sharing a house for a year with him. Unfortunately, my resistance only lasted 3 days. I had a puncture in my bike tyre and was dragging it home, and he came half way met me and helped me back. We didn't sleep together, but we drank a bit and fooled around a bit, and I went to bed ashamed of myself.
I told Andrew, at least that I'd messed around behind his back, I didn't tell him who with, but that it wouldn't happen again. I don't think he ever thought it was Simon, we had been friends for a long time without me showing even a sliver of interest. But it got difficult. Every minor fight with Andrew, and Simon would be there in the next room, to talk to. I tried hard not to give in, but my relationship with Andrew wasn't surviving the separation, and I ended up seducing Simon in a weak moment. I'm not the slightest bit proud of that, but I did the right thing the next day and split with Andrew. He was a good guy, but not right for me. He's happily married, with 2 children, I still hear from mutual friends about him. If we hadn't split right then, he quite possibly would not have ended up dating his future wife, as they happened to meet that same year. So don't worry about him.
I was single again, but I really wasn't ready for another relationship. I'd been on and off with Simon for nearly 2 years, and barely single through college, I needed some time to be me, rather than dive straight into a heavy relationship with someone who was my best friend. So I backed away. It was convenient timing, because I was about to be placed in a school for my second term, so I'd be out of the house. Simon was a bit hurt and confused, but he understood and accepted it. And then coincidence number 2 struck. I got placed in a school in Simon's home town. I knew his parents reasonably well, and his sister had been up to visit him a few times, so we got on, so it was only natural that they invited me to occasional meals while I was working there. And then coincidence number 3. Simon had a bike/car collision (he was the cyclist) and it wasn't pretty. He smashed one of his front teeth and it went through his lip, leaving a nasty scar, and he was all over beaten up pretty badly. So of course he went home to recuperate for a while.
So I figure fate is pushing us together, but I'm still enjoying my life, getting to know myself a bit, and working in a school and really enjoying it, so I was still reluctant to start on a committed relationship. So we hung out some evenings and weekends, watched french films and I started to learn the language pretty well. It was yet another bonding experience. Then the school placement ended, and Simon was returning to college at about the same time, and we were back in the house. He said to me, and I can still hear the words, "You know we will end up together some day, so we may as well accept it and stop fighting it". I did, next day we were in a relationship, and it was everything and more I'd ever dreamed of. Unfortunately, I got glandular fever myself shortly after that, and spend a number of weeks in bed with a high fever. Cared for, of course, by my personal physician.
And now, unfortunately, I need to take a break. The story is not over, but it's a nice point to pause, happy memories of being with my best friend, in a job I enjoyed, with similar hopes and dreams. I had found my dream picture at age 22.
I promise I will finish this story.
Jo :)
What currently has my attention?
I know I can't afford it, and don't need it, but there is a gorgeous new lilac pebbled leather Coach shoulder bag that I saw yesterday, and looked up online today, that I can at least drool in the direction of.
What is currently annoying me?
Me. I'm annoying myself because I'm sick, and I hate my droopy self when i'm not well. That, and I'm annoyed that the one sports team I follow from England, Liverpool, are having about their worst ever season, and just narrowly lost out on their last chance to redeem it this afternoon.
What am I looking forward to?
The weekend. I need some time without the pressure of work over my head, that I can simply sleep though.
What did I learn today?
I learned that I shouldn't post on forums when I'm angry and sick. Well I already knew that , but I need someone to attach it to the thermometer, and the drug cabinet. So if I have to go with something brand new, I learned that eyestrain doesn't come from radiation from a computer screen, but from the fact that the eye works harder when you are focusing on closer objects. This makes sense to me, and I'm wondering why I took so many years to learn this. Maybe I once knew it and forgot.
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